Featured Stories

Simpson Republicans confused why “liberal snowflake” students haven’t started melting yet

SIMPSON — Three months into Donald Trump’s presidency, with the heat of spring already making its presence known, some of Simpson’s more conservative residents recently expressed their disbelief that their “liberal snowflake” counterparts haven’t melted yet.  “From what I’ve read on the subject, these liberals should already have dissolved into puddles by now,” stated Republican […]

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ResLife Opens ARMC as New Housing Option for Music Majors

SIMPSON – As juries rapidly approach, an exciting new housing option is now available for music majors inside the Amy Robertson Music Center. Music majors can now eat, sleep, and live in their favorite practice room 24/7. Furnishings include an old piano of questionable intonation, a matching piano bench, one or two plastic red chairs, […]

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Campus Day canceled due to widespread hangovers affecting students, faculty

SIMPSON — Earlier this morning, Rich Ramos announced that Campus Day service activities were to be canceled due to the massive, collective hangover students and faculty alike were experiencing. The email stated: “After looking at the effects of Campus Day Eve, namely the shared hangover that many are still recovering from, we have determined that […]

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The Acorn to continue publishing high-quality, fact-based news, apologizes for fake news

SIMPSON — Last Saturday, the Acorn published its first ever fake news story, suggesting we will be permanently shuttering our operations.  The staff at the Acorn would like to extend our deepest apologies to our loyal readers who were shocked, heartbroken and freaking out over what seemed a perfectly straightforward and believable announcement to make […]

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The Acorn Disbands – All Operations to Cease As of Today

A Message from the Editor-in-Chief Lionel Robertson It is with great sadness that I tell you that “the Acorn,” the shining example and pinnacle of Simpson’s student news establishment, is shuttering its operations as of today. We were a tough nut to crack, but we finally did. The Executive Council of “the Acorn” convened early this morning for […]

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