Featured Stories

The Acorn Disbands – All Operations to Cease As of Today

A Message from the Editor-in-Chief Lionel Robertson It is with great sadness that I tell you that “the Acorn,” the shining example and pinnacle of Simpson’s student news establishment, is shuttering its operations as of today. We were a tough nut to crack, but we finally did. The Executive Council of “the Acorn” convened early this morning for […]

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Parents Excited for the Return of Laundry for Spring Break

As Simpson students prepare to leave for spring break, the only thing their parents can think about is how delighted they will be to see the massive loads of soiled laundry. “It’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold my son’s athletic sweats in my arms and breathe in his putrid sweat-stink,” one […]

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Simpson Career Services Advises Students to Disclose Russian Ties in Interviews

SIMPSON – Taking their cue from Washington, D.C., Simpson’s career services is now advising students to disclose their ties to Russia to prospective employees. “After watching (former) National Security Advisor Michael Flynn and Attorney General Jeff Sessions having their ties to Russia exposed on live TV, I knew we needed to make sure our students knew how […]

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Mounting evidence suggests Simmons to hold early morning party at local restaurant

INDIANOLA — Reports of suspicious activity have emanated from local restaurant, Mishmash, where President Jay Simmons is scheduled to hold a breakfast event with Simpson students, staff, faculty and alumni Thursday morning at 7 a.m. Sources say the codename for the event is “Java with Jay.” “I can’t seem to put my finger on it, […]

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SCANDAL AT THE OSCARS! Simpson Mailroom Delivers Wrong Letter to Stage

HOLLYWOOD – Simpson’s newest mailroom UGA has been implicated in the flub-up that rocked the Oscar’s this evening. Billy Buxton, a freshman (obviously), was tasked by Simpson’s mailroom to deliver the all-important Oscar’s announcement letters this evening. All was going well until it was time for Best Picture. Buxton, who found himself distracted by the […]

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