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Professor Siebert admits to being Bald Soprano

SIMPSON — Early Tuesday morning, Mark Siebert confessed to our reporters what most of the campus had already suspected since the beginning of the semester: He is, in fact, the mysterious titular character in Simpson’s upcoming play, “The Bald Soprano.” “The secret was just getting to be too much,” the multimedia communications professor said while […]

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Supreme Leader Snoke offers out-of-this-world relationship advice

SIMPSON — Our reporters recently received a copy of The Intergalactic Times, which is the leading newspaper of a certain galaxy far, far away. While most of the paper focuses on the doings of the First Order (and also has quite a few wanted ads for stormtrooper FN-2187 and a BB8 droid), it also features an […]

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Campus squirrels to start their own basketball league

SIMPSON — After a group of squirrels were found playing a game of basketball in Hopper Gymnasium yesterday afternoon, the athletics department called for the creation of an all-squirrel basketball league. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing at first,” said head softball coach, Brent Matthias, who first stumbled upon the extraordinary scene taking place […]

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Pfeiffer cafeteria to implement zero calorie policy for all food served

SIMPSON — In a bold attempt to get more students to eat at Pfeiffer cafeteria, Sodexo dining services has decided to remove the calories from all of the food served there. “It’s still basically the same kind of food, just without the calories,” said Mindy Murphy, the general manager of Sodexo dining services on campus. […]

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Class of 2021 begin long, four-year march toward student debt

SIMPSON — Earlier this afternoon, the class of 2021 were seen passing through the gates outside College Hall, thus beginning their four-year journey to racking up enormous student debt. Simpson faculty, dressed in their formal robes, stood on either side of the sidewalk behind the brick gates and applauded the freshmen as they walked by. […]

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