Supreme Leader Snoke offers out-of-this-world relationship advice

SIMPSON — Our reporters recently received a copy of The Intergalactic Times, which is the leading newspaper of a certain galaxy far, far away. While most of the paper focuses on the doings of the First Order (and also has quite a few wanted ads for stormtrooper FN-2187 and a BB8 droid), it also features an advice column written by none other than Supreme Leader Snoke himself.

Below is a clipping from this week’s column:

Exalted Supreme Leader,

I’m a 28-year-old female stormtrooper who has been trying to find love (in addition to my undying and complete devotion to the First Order) for my entire life, but no luck! I always get dumped. My last heartbreak was a younger droid repair tech. When, on our third anniversary, he told me he didn’t want anything serious or long term, I shot him down in cold blood. Now I’m worried that I will never find anyone else.

— Lonely on Dantooine

SNOKE: And the droid?

 

Exalted Supreme Leader,

A few days ago, I found out that my girlfriend of 10 months applied for a transfer to Project 21, and plans to go with or without me. I understand why she needs to leave, but at the same time I am very hurt that she made this decision without me; she is basically giving me an ultimatum. We were both kidnapped as children, so we are, of course, totally devoted to the First Order, but I’m not sure if I should request a transfer as well.

— Blue TK

SNOKE: There’s been an awakening. Have you felt it?

Exalted Supreme Leader,

Ten years ago, I was in the middle of a horrible relationship—she was a smuggler operating out of Ord Mantell, and I was suffering debilitating depression due to Spice withdrawal. We decided to start over in another system—dozens of parsecs away. We made up a story that I was a graduate of the University of Bar’leth. (I didn’t have anything close to a degree, but I wanted to find a great job and smart friends.) We subsequently broke up. I am now three years sober and live in yet another new system, with a new love and new friends, but I’m terrified of being found out. My ex is threatening to expose me. Help!

— Secret Sharer

SNOKE: If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.