Campus squirrels to start their own basketball league

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SIMPSON — After a group of squirrels were found playing a game of basketball in Hopper Gymnasium yesterday afternoon, the athletics department called for the creation of an all-squirrel basketball league.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing at first,” said head softball coach, Brent Matthias, who first stumbled upon the extraordinary scene taking place in Hopper. “I mean, squirrels playing ball? Not possible. But there they were, dribbling, blocking, passing, even dunking. Those squirrels got game!”

Our reporters confirmed that, after the squirrels concluded their game, Matthias immediately called Brian Niemuth, director of athletics, and suggested the squirrels form their own league.

Stormy the Squirrel, the campus spokes-squirrel, facilitated discussions between the two groups until a decision was reached.

“We decided the league will consist of six teams that will practice three times a week,” said Niemuth, who still had a look of utter bemusement on his face. “Games will be held every Sunday afternoon, with a championship tournament set to take place shortly before winter break.”

In a statement which Stormy translated into English for students and faculty to read, the squirrels said, “We can’t wait to see everyone at our games and show Simpson what we’re capable of!”

At press time, two squirrels were seen shooting consistent 3-pointers in Hopper while the entirety of the athletics staff watched in silent amazement.

By Paul Randalson

Photo by @SCStormSoftball


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Categories: News, Sports


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