Archive | October, 2017

Supreme Leader Snoke offers out-of-this-world relationship advice

SIMPSON — Our reporters recently received a copy of The Intergalactic Times, which is the leading newspaper of a certain galaxy far, far away. While most of the paper focuses on the doings of the First Order (and also has quite a few wanted ads for stormtrooper FN-2187 and a BB8 droid), it also features an […]

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Campus squirrels to start their own basketball league

SIMPSON — After a group of squirrels were found playing a game of basketball in Hopper Gymnasium yesterday afternoon, the athletics department called for the creation of an all-squirrel basketball league. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing at first,” said head softball coach, Brent Matthias, who first stumbled upon the extraordinary scene taking place […]

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