Most Simpson students, parents look at tuition statement behind trembling fingers

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SIMPSON — According to a recent report, a majority of Simpson students first looked at their tuition statement for fall 2017 with their fingers covering their faces.*

“The story was pretty much the same with everyone we interviewed,” said lead researcher and author, Hugh J. Billings. “About 83% of students and their parents were physically unable to pull their hands away from their eyes right before seeing their semester bill.  Also, the hands of nearly all participants were shaking uncontrollably.  It was like an instinctual impulse.”

Billings said one rising senior he interviewed couldn’t stop muttering, “It’ll all be over this year, it’ll all be over this year,” as she nervously paced up and down her living room.

Another student reportedly lost feeling in both arms for several minutes after his parents squeezed them too hard after witnessing the total sum.

When asked about the financial woes of his students, President Simmons said in a press briefing, “Well, I know it ain’t as cheap as it used to be back in my day, but let’s face it: at least these here young ‘uns have the good sense not to waste their money at Central College!” 

By Paul Randalson

*This story was inspired by a recent article published by The Onion. Contains graphic language, discretion advised.

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Categories: News

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