Severe Thunderstorm Warning Issued for Simpson College – Tornadoes Possible

Severe Weather

SEVERE THUNDERSTORM ALERT: The National Weather Service in Des Moines has issued a Severe Thunderstorm Alert for Warren County and Indianola effective until 4:30pm CDT tonight. Meteorologists expect wind gusts up to 60 mph with some chance for hail… and the slight possibility of a tornado. Damage to roofs, siding, trees, and egos is expected. Since Simpson has yet to send out their customary bad weather email, the Acorn has taken the time to do so instead. Their customary email has been re-created below without permission

The purpose of this email is to provide legal grounds to protect our backsides in the case of actual damage to people and property on campus involving natural disasters such as tornadoes or severe windstorms. A tornado watch means conditions are right for a tornado spotting, make sure you bring binoculars. During a tornado watch, staff should encourage students to get to the highest elevation possible for better viewing. A tornado warning means that a tornado has been sighted or indicated by National Weather Service radar. When you hear the tornado warning sirens, take your time to reach a place of “safety” –FUN is imminent.
Note – The warning sirens are intended to warn persons outdoors, to seek shelter or better viewing angles for Instragram photos. The tornado season for the central Iowa area is primarily April through June, but March through October may also be “popular” tornado months…. or whenever they darn well please. In the event of a tornado, tornado warning, or severe storm individuals should immediately post about it on Twitter with the hashtag #SimpCoStorm2k17.
AREAS OF SAFETY – preferably rooms with windows to get a good look at the action.
AREAS TO AVOID – stay clear of areas inhabited by buzzkills, debbie downers, realists or worry warts
There is no guaranteed safe place during a tornado… you’re pretty much SOL. However, it is important to seek shelter in the best location to help minimize your exposure to gamma radiation. Cover yourself with blankets until one resembles a delicious burrito. Remain in burrito position until Instagram photos reach over 100 likes.
TORNADO Building Suggested Safe Areas:
Building                                   Location
Amy Robertson Music Ctr. Chain yourself to the nearest tuba or sousaphone.
Barker Hall Cram as many people in the elevator – ride to bottom floor
Blank Performing Arts Ctr. Anywhere but the green room… who knows what they’re doing in there!
Buxton Hall That really creepy basement you’ve always wondered about.
Carver-Get comfortable with the dead people in the morgue
Carver Cultural Center HOLD ONNNN!!!!!
Clinton-Wet Side Start drinking… heavily
Clinton-Dry Side Make your way over to the wet side.
Colonial Apts. Retreat to bathtub and fill with your tears of fear
College Hall Ask Millie, she knows all about living.
Cowles PE Center Find heavy sports equipment (i.e. shotput, discus, etc.) and put in pockets
Detroit Apartments You’re screwed.
Dunn Library Keep studying because you know your parents will kill you if you don’t get an A.
Gaumer Building Argue with communications professor about where exactly to go
Hamilton House Break into Irving Elementary School
Heckert Hall If you’re here then you’re either in a parallel dimension where it wasn’t knocked down… or high.
Hillman Hall Hide with President Simmons. His southern charm and bowties will keep you safe.
Hopper Gym Avoid the janky basement and take a few laps on the upper track
Greek Houses Prepare to meet your maker.
Kent Campus Center Rich Ramos’ office. Beverages and snacks will be provided.
Kresge Anywhere in the lower level as long as you can swim
Mary Berry Hall The Iowa History Center… good luck finding it.
McNeill Hall The IT department… it’s literally the only time they’ll be useful to you.
Pfeiffer/Great Hall Why are you there anyways? Do you want the sh*ts?
Physical Plant You have no reason to be there anyways. Go away.
Picken Hall As Bernie Sanders would say… “You’re DOOMED!”
President’s Home Just chill with Jeanne. She’s got cookies.
Smith Chapel PRAY
Station Square Apts. Enjoy the nicest apartments on campus until the bitter end.
Theme Houses You should’ve picked a better theme… like survival
Wallace Hall Anything on the top floor because even tornados hate going up that high.
Washington Apts. We could honestly care less.
Weinman Apts. Just whine about it because it is Wine Wednesday after all.
By Lionel Robertson & Baker Seb

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