Simpson Republicans confused why “liberal snowflake” students haven’t started melting yet

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SIMPSON — Three months into Donald Trump’s presidency, with the heat of spring already making its presence known, some of Simpson’s more conservative residents recently expressed their disbelief that their “liberal snowflake” counterparts haven’t melted yet. 

“From what I’ve read on the subject, these liberals should already have dissolved into puddles by now,” stated Republican Marcus Ruben. “I mean, we have the majority in both the House and the Senate.  Not to mention the Supreme Court.  It’s not like I’m hoping this will happen to them.  But at the same time, part of me is wondering: What more will it take?”

According to reports, Ruben and other campus Republicans have regularly been seen with perplexed grins on their faces whenever they see campus Democrats still maintaining solid form and not evaporating into the spring air. 

“The first months were much easier to endure,” said Beth Werner, a liberal junior. “Like, even though the days between Nov. 8 and Jan. 20 were rough, and I definitely felt an uptick in my body heat, the cool temperatures of winter took the edge off. But since Inauguration Day, the conservative heat has just been getting worse and worse.  Plus, Iowa is such a red state anyway — living here is hard enough for me. Nevertheless, I persist!”

A sophomore who identifies as a democratic socialist, Sandy Bernard, stated,  “I’ve definitely been sweating more than usual lately, especially ever since Neil Gorsuch was confirmed to the Supreme Court. Although, when Steve Bannon got kicked off the National Security Council, I felt some of my internal temperatures begin to stabilize.  And the whole American Health Care Act catastrophe? Oh, that was good.”

She added, “Don’t get me wrong — the heat is still a problem.  In fact, I’ve taken to keeping a copy of the Simpsonian handy.  Not to read, but to use as a fan.  It works great!” 

At press time, our reporters had to turn on the AC and wait until all the liberals in the room were sufficiently covered in frost before asking additional questions.

By Paul Randalson

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Categories: News


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