Campus Day canceled due to widespread hangovers affecting students, faculty

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SIMPSON — Earlier this morning, Rich Ramos announced that Campus Day service activities were to be canceled due to the massive, collective hangover students and faculty alike were experiencing.

The email stated:

“After looking at the effects of Campus Day Eve, namely the shared hangover that many are still recovering from, we have determined that we will have to cancel the community service portion of Campus Day. Last night, students and staff imbibed twice as much alcohol as was predicted. The current situation suggests most people will be unable to function for the rest of the afternoon. Given that, any service work carried out by Simpson students or faculty would likely cause more harm to the campus and our community partners than good. However, if your project requires minimal brain function or physical movement, we would encourage you to plan on doing your project. We will work with all parties (“parties” as in people…not the other kind of parties) involved to see how we can help out those in the community who were in need of the great services that you all provide in the coming weeks.”

At press time, the crowd of students and faculty in the Kent Atrium reportedly drifted off into a hungover stupor halfway through eating their picnic lunches.  Our reporters also noted multiple calls to the Kent Information Desk from angry Indianola residents demanding to know who was going to clean their yards now. 

By Paul Randalson

Tags: , ,

Categories: News

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