Mounting evidence suggests Simmons to hold early morning party at local restaurant

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INDIANOLA — Reports of suspicious activity have emanated from local restaurant, Mishmash, where President Jay Simmons is scheduled to hold a breakfast event with Simpson students, staff, faculty and alumni Thursday morning at 7 a.m. Sources say the codename for the event is “Java with Jay.”

“I can’t seem to put my finger on it, but I just feel like something big is going to happen,” explained Hanna Stert.

With a little background reporting, the Acorn was able to find out one possibility: This event might just really be a wild kegger.

For those, unsure of what a “kegger” is, it dates back to ancient times — some say even as far back as 1972. Usually, keggers involve high school and college students having a party that reaches extreme sizes and is fueled by alcoholic beverages.

If the reports prove to be accurate, the event at Mishmash will likely go down in history as being the first kegger to be hosted by a college president and to take place before most people are even awake.

“I saw these large silver cans go into the coffee shop, and the people transporting them seem to be pretty sneaky,” stated Jake North. “I want to know what’s going to happen at this coffee place.”

When questions about the event, Simpson faculty refused to answer any questions. Instead, they told students, “Go and see for yourself.”

At press time, President Simmons was likewise unavailable for comment, citing a bow tie emergency that required immediate attention.

Thankfully, our reporters were also able to uncover receipts that suggest this is in fact going to be the best morning party of the century. The receipts showed checks made out to stage crews, the city of Indianola, and even one to a man named David Andrew Burd, (aka Lil Dicky).

To find out if the evidence we have uncovered is accurate, stop by Mishmash tomorrow morning. Either way, you will not be disappointed.

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