President Simmons upset the campus not giving him special attention on President’s Day


SIMPSON — Our reporters can now confirm that President Jay Simmons has not received a single gift, compliment, or well-meaning “Happy President’s Day, Mr. President!” so far today.  

According to sources close to the president, Simmons had apparently expected a fancy reception in his honor as soon as he arrived at work earlier this morning, only to be disappointed.

“It’s like I’m just nobody to ‘em!” Simmons said while editing Wikipedia’s list of U.S. presidents to include his own name and biographical information in place of Richard Nixon’s.  “Plus, in the last few years, I’ve done some great things to turn this rodeo [Simpson College]  in the right direction.  The least I deserve is something simple, like an annual campus holiday or a feast or something.”  

By 10:30 a.m., seeing that everybody was still showing him the same polite deference they usually do, without any extra President’s Day gusto, Simmons threatened to cancel all of his meetings for the day and leave work early.  

Fearing the worst, Brenda Wickett, assistant to the president, called in Simmons’ wife, Jenne in order to prevent him from leaving.  

“Jay, it’s like we have this conversation every year!” an exasperated Jenne was overheard telling her husband. “Quit your moping and get back to work.  They ain’t gonna treat you like a president if you ain’t gonna act like one!”  

At press time, President Simmons stared blankly at his office wall while wondering aloud if students and staff at Central College were currently bowing down to their president, Mark Putnam.  

By Paul Randalson

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Categories: News


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