Simpson Education Department Now to Offer Grizzly Bear Defense Course


SIMPSON – In light of recent concerns brought to light by the new Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, Simpson will now being offering a course in Grizzly Bear Defense.

In the course of DeVos’s confirmation hearing on Jan. 18, the newly confirmed Secretary of Education called for greater protections against grizzly bear attacks in the nation’s public schools. DeVos was referring to a public high school located in the wilderness of Wyoming which, most likely, has a shotgun to deal with persistent attacks by wild grizzlies.

“My eyes were opened and I saw the light once DeVos brought up this huge gap in the security of our nation’s schools,” explained Barb Ramos, the Chair of the Education Department at Simpson, as she read up on grizzlies in a survival guide. “Even here in Iowa, the grizzlies roam free amongst the cornfields. Our teachers must be prepared.”

The new Grizzly Bear Defense Course will be required of all education students (both majors and minors) starting in the 2017-2018 academic year. The course will involve such topics as the use of bear mace, proper bear-nose punching techniques, and the now patented “DeVos Toss” (wherein the smallest child in the class is thrown to the grizzly in order to slow it down).

Education students are also encouraged to join the Simpson College Shooting Sports Team for at least a semester in order to gain experience with the shotguns that will soon be ubiquitous in the nation’s schools.

Yet, in the end, none of these new requirements will technically be required.

“Following the example set forth by Secretary DeVos, we’re encouraging our students to not gain the necessary skills for teaching our nation’s youth,” explained Ramos as she mounted a grizzly bear head on the wall of her office. “In this day and age, who needs actual experience?”

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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