Unable to Accept Credit Cards, Holy Grounds to Now Accept Ancient Forms of Payment


SIMPSON – In what is being considered the biggest Wayback Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, or Flashback Friday event in Simpson’s history, the Holy Grounds coffee shop will now accept new forms of alternative payment for their delicious drinks.

The coffee shop will now accept several ancient forms of payment, including painted stones, shells, and beads. This comes in an attempt to broaden the customer base among students who rarely, if ever, carry checks and cash.

“Well, after multiple attempts to catch up to the 21st century by accepting credit cards and failing to meet the criteria set forth in order to process these mystical devices, we decided to make it as easy as possible for our campus community to become caffeinated” said chaplain Mara Bailey, whose bloodshot eyes indicated her clear lack of caffeine for the day.

While hundreds of campus coffee shops around the nation accept now ubiquitous credit cards like VISA, Mastercard, American Express, Discover, etc. and utilize easy and secure online processing services like PayPal and Google Wallet, these are deemed too advanced and convenient for Holy Grounds and Simpson’s IT.

Students worried about having enough beads, shells, or rocks on hand can also take part in the new Holy Ground’s Credit Program. Students that bring in a chicken, duck, or goat will be credited $20 on their account with Holy Grounds.

Contributed By Barry Hewly
Prepared for Publication by Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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