Stormy the Squirrel Predicts Six More Weeks of Winter for Simpson College on Groundhog Day


SIMPSON – Contributing his own meteorological forecast, Stormy the Squirrel is predicting six more weeks of snow… and a lifetime of dealing with the fact that Central College still exists.

Emerging from his abode beneath the Simpson College Butt Tree, Stormy delighted the crowd with his impressive acrobatics and physical comedy. However, about 15 minutes into his performance, and during a particularly impressive backflip, Stormy saw his shadow and fled.

Upon seeing this, Master of Ceremonies President Jay Simmons removed his oversized top hat (which Jenne Simmons rightly called ridiculous) and announced a six-week extension of winter. Simmons also announced that ice-melt would only be provided for two of those six weeks.

Both Punxsutawney Phil and Stormy predicted six more weeks of winter this year. Yet Long Island Chuck in Staten Island predicted an early spring. Chuck has had an 80% accuracy rating over the years and he’s joined in his prediction by Shubenacadie in Nova Scotia.

It is expected that the dispute will be resolved in a two-on-two smack down at the Simpson College Squirrel Fight Club. Tickets for “Stormy the Slammer & Phil the Punisher vs. Lucky Chucky & Squealing Shubs” are already on sale. The winners get a lifetime supply of the nut of their choice and the lifetime title of “Seer of Seers.”

In other news, Central College held their own version of Groundhog Day with the campus’s pet rat Gerald. As has been the case for the last 20 years, the oversized, grotesque rat escaped his handlers and attacked members of the crowd. Central will remain in quarantine until the rabies infested Gerald is captured and put down.

Story by: Lionel Robertson
Graphic by: Emmy Farrell

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Categories: News


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