Archive | February, 2017

Mounting evidence suggests Simmons to hold early morning party at local restaurant

INDIANOLA — Reports of suspicious activity have emanated from local restaurant, Mishmash, where President Jay Simmons is scheduled to hold a breakfast event with Simpson students, staff, faculty and alumni Thursday morning at 7 a.m. Sources say the codename for the event is “Java with Jay.” “I can’t seem to put my finger on it, […]

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SCANDAL AT THE OSCARS! Simpson Mailroom Delivers Wrong Letter to Stage

HOLLYWOOD – Simpson’s newest mailroom UGA has been implicated in the flub-up that rocked the Oscar’s this evening. Billy Buxton, a freshman (obviously), was tasked by Simpson’s mailroom to deliver the all-important Oscar’s announcement letters this evening. All was going well until it was time for Best Picture. Buxton, who found himself distracted by the […]

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Top 10 Dance Moves to Have Nostalgia for … and 5 We’d Rather Forget

First, the ones to remember: 1) The Carlton 2) The Office Combo 3) The Spongebob Jellyfish Dance 4) The Conga Line 5) The Charleston 6) Cotton Eye Joe 7) MC Hammer 8) The Sprinkler 9) The Cabbage Patch 10) And the Napoleon Dynamite And now, the ones to forget… 1) Grinding 2) The Harlem Shake […]

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Local Atmosphere refuses to cool down for chili cook-off

SIMPSON — Despite the fact that the Pre-Health Society is holding a chili cook-off later this evening, the Weather has confirmed that it will not be changing itself to a more ideal, wintry, chili-eating setting. “Look, summer is just around the corner.  I can feel it,” said the Atmosphere in the immediate vicinity of the […]

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President Simmons upset the campus not giving him special attention on President’s Day

SIMPSON — Our reporters can now confirm that President Jay Simmons has not received a single gift, compliment, or well-meaning “Happy President’s Day, Mr. President!” so far today.   According to sources close to the president, Simmons had apparently expected a fancy reception in his honor as soon as he arrived at work earlier this […]

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