After Successful Ice Day Prediction, Acorn to Offer Fortune Telling

fortune

SIMPSON – In a surprise to everyone except the staff of the Acorn, classes for Monday, Jan. 16, were cancelled and the Acorn is now opening its own fortune telling shop.

As a reminder, the Acorn was the only media outlet to accurately predict the closure of campus today which is evidence of our unparalleled clairvoyance.

So… of course we’re going to bring our services to the greater campus community. Our oracles will be made available on a nightly basis in the basement of College Hall.

Want to know if you’ll make it into that grad school you applied for? How about how you’ll do on that class final? Or better yet… will eating at Pfeiff lead to lifelong gastrointestinal problems?

No matter the question, we have an answer that we personally guarantee has some likelihood of panning out.

And to quell some fears you all might have… we predict no tornadoes for today or an unexpected start to WWIII.

Tarot card and palm readings can be made available upon request. But we’ll already know if you want those services… because we’re psychic.

So swing on by! We’ll be expecting you.

By Lionel Robertson

P.S. Have an “ice” day!

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