New “Sports Communication” Major Teaches Students How to Yell at TV During Sporting Events


SIMPSON – After several months of moderately intense discussion around campus watercoolers, faculty unanimously voted yesterday at their once a month meeting to create a “Sports Communication” major at Simpson.

The major is the creation of the sports administration department and the communications department at Simpson. Faculty from both departments will be contributing their expertise and time towards the major.

“We’re the only college in the state that offers this program,” said department chair of communications Brian Steffen as he pumped himself up for another season of yelling at the Chicago Cubs on his widescreen TV. “You won’t find a quality undergrad degree like this at a dump like Central! That’s for darn sure!”

“Sports Communication” has four main classes that all majors and minors will be required to take. All four courses embody the spirit of fans watching games and getting fed up with results. Descriptions of those courses can be found below.

Intro to Volume and Fist-Bumps (SCOM-150-A):

This course explores a variety of different volumes, lingo, and physical actions that meet proper sports watching technique. Students should expect to learn how to match their volume to what is happening in a football, soccer, or basketball game. Baseball will not be included in the syllabus, due to the sport’s apparent lack of excitement.* Additionally, students will learn how and when to fist-bump, high-five, and pour giant coolers of Gatorade on guests and significant others.

International Sports Watching (SCOM-295-B):

Many students are unaware that sports exist outside of the United States (besides when the Olympics rolls around). This course covers the basics in how to watch un-American sports. Students will learn how to make everyone believe they know what they’re talking about while watching sports such as cricket or fencing. All students will be taught how to reply with elitist American exceptionalism remarks in a Trump tweet fashion, and how to make sure all international viewers in their vicinity are made to feel uncomfortable.

Warning Signs & Triggers (SCOM-238-A):

Any sports fan worth his salt knows that sometimes action speaks louder than words. By combining verbalizations with almost violent physical action, you can make others aware of your feelings more quickly, effectively, and efficiently. Students will study proper throwing technique when it comes to beverages and snack trays and how to stomp about a room properly. Additionally, students will be able to read nonverbal cues of fellow viewers and learn how to push them over the edge. Students are also encouraged to practice their wall punching skills in the Detroit Apartments Lab.

Sports Communication Capstone (SCOM-385-A):

Students will be expected to create a presentation of them viewing 10 hours of sports with proper yelling technique, anger-stomping technique, and uncalled-for levels of anger. Of the 10 hours, five must be spent viewing international sports in a bar in order to make others feel uncomfortable.

Journalist: Baker Seb
Editor: Lionel Robertson

*This line is included over the strenuous objections of the Editor.

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Categories: News


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