Simpson College President’s HIT List 2016

Hit List Pic.JPG

SIMPSON – Simpson College President Jay Simmons has now made available to the public his hit list for the fall semester of 2016.

The President’s Hit List includes all students who achieved a GPA (Get President Angry) of 4.0 and spent at least 12 hours annoying the president over the course of the semester.

Recognition on the list is a great honor for Simpson students and means they’ll have Simmons’s FULL attention.

“These little varmints have caused me a great deal of mental anguish,” said President Simmons as his administrative assistant Brenda Wickett helped him with his boxing gloves. “I’ve got a mean right hook that’ll knock ya back a full country mile! And that’s in Alabama miles ya hear?”

Students “tagged” (i.e. punched) by the president wake up several hours later with relatively mild headaches and nasty looking shiners.

In addition to the release of the President’s Hit List, the Dean’s Hit List was also released for students with GPAs of 3.7 to 3.99. Academic Dean Kent Eaton’s list is also much longer as he “[doesn’t] tolerate all that foolishness.”

Students on the Dean’s Hit List are encouraged to keep an eye out for a man in full paintball gear with a paintball gun hiding in the bushes around campus. Dean Eaton can be reached by walkie talkie if not available during his office hours.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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