Archive | January, 2017

Advice Giver: How to Do Life After College

Dear Advice-Giver, I am graduating soon and will be moving into an apartment a week after Commencement, but I am not sure how to pay rent. What do I do when rent is due? Who do I give it to? Sincerely, Lost in a Sea of Bills Dear Lost in a Sea of Bills, I […]

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Simpson WiFi Chooses Terrible Time to Play Hide and Go Seek

SIMPSON – Choosing perhaps the worst time to go into hiding, Simpson’s WiFi is still unaccounted for as of posting. While Simpson’s WiFi has shown an affinity for Hide and seek in the past, it has never so effectively dropped off the radar. This time around the game started about midnight and as of posting […]

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Simpson Student Leverages Family Feud Appearance to Land Reality TV Show

SIMPSON – Following an appearance on the Family Feud, Simpson student Tyler Smaha has successfully landed his own reality TV show. Earlier in 2016, Tyler Smaha and his family had been on vacation in Kansas City where they stumbled upon family auditions for the Family Feud. Taking full advantage of this fortuitous circumstance, the Smahas successfully auditioned […]

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Acorn Astrology – January Edition

The Great and Mysterious Oracle of the Acorn has spoken! Find here your fortunes for the rest of January! May the stars align in you favor. By Kayley Zimmerman

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Simpson track athletes experience off-season gains from working at Jimmy Johns

SIMPSON — With the recent success of some of the sprinters on the track team, many have speculated about the details of their training habits. After extensive interviews with the team, our investigators discovered their secret: working for Jimmy Johns. Simpson sprinter Logan Hopster, who was the first Simpson runner to start working for the […]

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