Simpson students break rules against feeding squirrels to spread holiday cheer amidst finals week


SIMPSON — Earlier this morning, a resident campus squirrel sat perched in a tree outside the Amy Robertson Music Building munching on a fresh glazed donut.  

This squirrel was one of many that were enjoying free food from generous Simpson students who, in order to distract themselves from the horror that is finals weeks, decided to spread the holiday cheer.  

The food offerings, which ranged from Casey’s donuts to ABP cookies and danishes, and even less-than-desirable items from Pfeiffer.

“Feeding the squirrels is a really good way to relieve stress,” commented Junior Brooklyn Hunter as she lobbed a third donut up to an ecstatic squirrel in a tree by Dunn Library.  

The donations, while generous and heartwarming, come despite strict rules against feeding campus squirrels.  After Dean of Students, Luke Behaunek, heard about the squirrel-feeding, he issued this statement:

“Students: please refrain from giving the squirrels any more food.  They already have plenty of nuts stored up for winter.  Any extra sugar you give them will give them waaaaay too much energy.  Besides, I’m pretty sure you have all heard about or read the highly-researched, scholarly book entitled If You Give a Squirrel a Donut.”

At press time, a group of fifteen squirrels politely asking our reporters for glasses of milk with straws to go with.  

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