Simpson Unveils New Low-Cost, Environmentally Friendly Housing Just in Time for Winter


SIMPSON – A new housing initiative aims to expand Simpson’s residential capacity at a fraction of the traditional cost.

The new initiative, dubbed “Freezin’ for a Reason,” relocates residential students into a box village centrally positioned on campus. Named “Storm Shantytown,” the new residential block promotes inclusive housing policies such as “Huddling for Heat” and “Cuddling for Comfort.”

“We’re extremely excited about how environmentally friendly these new residences are,” said Simpson Chief Financial Officer Ken Birkenholtz, the mastermind behind the initiative. “You can watch the thin cardboard walls of your shelter rotting before your very eyes. No carbon emissions, no pollution, and no insulation!”

The idea for the initiative came to Birkenholtz as he watched small children playing with boxes at a family event over the Thanksgiving weekend. Realizing the utility of the boxes, Birkenholtz ordered Simpson facilities to round up the various boxes sitting around campus for the construction of “Storm Shantytown.”

Students living in the housing have no feelings about their new accommodations… because of the low temperatures, these students don’t feel much of anything anymore.

“Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,” chattered Zebulon Pike, a Simpson sophomore, as he curled up in the corner of his cardboard shack. “I’mmmmmmm….. brrrr….. *gasp* brrr…… ca ca ca coooooolllllddddd…”

Birkenholtz also announced today that Simpson is entering into a partnership with Maytag Appliances in order to “get those really good fridge boxes” and expand the shantytown throughout the flatland between Mary Berry and McNeil.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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One Comment on “Simpson Unveils New Low-Cost, Environmentally Friendly Housing Just in Time for Winter”

  1. Red Ray
    December 2, 2016 at 1:16 pm #

    Other than the spray paint destroying the ozone that we have been trying to heal since the 1980’s I support this new housing opportunity. I hope this offer will be extended to all students and not just the fraternity members, at a discounted price.


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