Sustainability Club Aims to Save Environment By Recycling Simpsonians

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SIMPSON – A new initiative created by the Sustainability Club aims to save squirrel homes (i.e. trees) one newspaper at a time.

Simpson’s Sustainability Club (the former Environmental Awareness Club) has worked tirelessly to promote better paper usage practices on campus to little success. The biggest offender? The Simpsonian.

“We’ve been trying to work with the Simp on their distribution practices to little or no avail,” explained President of the Sustainability Club Mindy Maples as she hugged a tree. “They’ve got a great looking paper but such an antiquated distribution strategy!

Indeed, the Simpsonian relies on a series of newspaper stands placed randomly about campus. Unfortunately, these stands are not built to withstand the weight of dozens upon dozens of unread copies.

So to save the stands and to save the trees, the Sustainability Club is taking action.

“We couldn’t reduce the number of Simps being printed and we couldn’t re-use them because they hadn’t been used in the first place,” said Maples as she chained herself to the tree she had just been hugging. “All that was left to do was recycle them!”

When the new initiative is implemented next week, it is expected to greatly slow the destruction of the Amazon rainforest. With over 78 million acres of Amazonian rainforest destroyed per year,  the new Simp Recycling Program is expected to drop this number to 77 million.

Another method for saving the environment, as promoted by the Sustainability Club, is to simply do all your reading online with “the Acorn.”

By Bob Lamb

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Categories: News

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