Archive | November, 2016

The Exclusive Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Drinking Game!

Welcome to the Thanksgiving Macy’s day parade drinking game. Now you can sit down and watch the parade with Grandma and actually enjoy yourself. 1. Take a shot every time you see a marching band. 2. Take two shots every time they cut to a news reporter. 3. Take one every time a balloon gets […]

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SCANDAL! WikiLeaks Releases Private Email Correspondence of President Simmons

SIMPSON – Unsatisfied with just destroying the Democratic Party and sinking the campaign of Hillary Clinton, WikiLeaks has, just today, dumped several thousand emails from the private server of President Jay Simmons. Reporters with “the Acorn” have sifted through the email dump and would like to bring your attention to the controversial emails below.   […]

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Pfeiffer Releases Deluxe Menu for Fall Visit Day

Simpson – With close to 100 prospective students visiting campus today, current students are expecting edible to semi-decent food for lunch. The menu for lunch today can be found below! (Gluten-free and vegan options available upon demand) *Menu design by Katie Platts

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Intramurals to Host 1st Annual Squirrel Show (Like A Dog Show… but with Squirrels)

Simpson is known for its many intramural sports and activities. The activities range from flag football to egg hunting, but due to the great interest in squirrels on campus the newest intramural will be a Squirrel Show. Similar to dog shows, Simpson squirrels will be judged on their ability to complete certain tasks and how they […]

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Sustainability Club Aims to Save Environment By Recycling Simpsonians

SIMPSON – A new initiative created by the Sustainability Club aims to save squirrel homes (i.e. trees) one newspaper at a time. Simpson’s Sustainability Club (the former Environmental Awareness Club) has worked tirelessly to promote better paper usage practices on campus to little success. The biggest offender? The Simpsonian. “We’ve been trying to work with […]

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