Freshman Student Refusing to Accept Rigged Midterm Results


SIMPSON – Following the release of a horrendously bad set of midterm grades, freshman Ronald Crump has informed his friends, family, and supporters of his refusal to accept the obviously rigged grades.

“The whole system is rigged against me!” exclaimed Crump as he lovingly listened to his echo in a nearby chamber. “My professors are a bunch’a bad hombres setting me up to fail. NOT FAIR.”

Crump’s professors, however, are sticking by the grades they’ve assigned the outrageously outspoken student.

“All we did was assign the kid grades reflective of his poor academic performance, terrible attitude, and inappropriate behavior,” said Professor Kedron Bardwell as he rolled his eyes for like, the 15th time. “I’m not even sure if Ronald knows how to cite a single reliable source of information. I mean, Wikileaks? The Drudge Report? Really?”

Interim Academic Dean Kent Eaton has also taken a public stance on the accusations of rigged midterms to assure students that the system works just fine.

“As far as I can tell, the system that Simpson put in place so many years ago is working just as well as it always has,” said Eaton as responded to yet another poorly written email accusing the school of engaging in a conspiracy against Crump. “Heck, we even made sure to get all the alumni and dead people off our midterm report lists years ago!”

Following a stern, rather public lecture from  Eaton, Crump has appeared to change his tune… somewhat.

“I’m willing to accept the final results of my grades,” said a in-no-way-shape-or-form remorseful Crump. “If, and only if, I get all A’s by November 8th! Or December 6th…”

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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