Academic Success of Student Athletes Expected to Drop for No Apparent Reason

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SIMPSON – In an unexpected turn of events, Simpson athletes, as of a report released today, are expected to find it harder to achieve academic success and stay eligible for a completely unknown reason.

Signs of this change in academic prospects were first noticed last Friday, September 30, and students, staff, and faculty are at a complete loss as to why.

“It’s like we’re missing the cog that made the Center for Academic Resources run smoothly,” said Kent Eaton, Interim Academic Dean. “We KARe A whole lot about our students so we MAY try to have something figured out soon.”

While students, staff, and faculty try desperately to understand just what went wrong, athletes are left to their own devices in trying to find academic success.

“It’s like I need someone who can be firm with me yet love me unconditionally,” said Bill Fitt, a junior member of Simpson’s lacrosse team. “I feel that someone like that could really help me turn around my grades and keep me eligible for the team.

He continued: “Too bad we’ve DON’T have ANYONE like that around…”

By Mary Kay

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Categories: News

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