Archive | October, 2016

Students Making Their Own “Adult” Candy for Safeblock

  SIMPSON – In preparation for Safeblock this evening, several students have banded together to make some extra special goodies for the kiddos trick or treating in our residence halls. While on rounds late Sunday night, two CA’s came across a trashcan filled with empty gummy bear bags and the strong stench of fruity flavored […]

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Glass door in Kent shatters in response to Clinton’s poll numbers

SIMPSON — After hearing continued reports of Hillary Clinton’s lead in the presidential polls, one of the glass doors in the Kent Campus Center shattered in an uncontrollable display of excitement earlier today.  The incident prompted security to rope off the surrounding entrance as a new glass pane was quickly installed.  Upon seeing their comrade […]

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Preserved body of Harambe to be inducted into Carver Science Center

SIMPSON — In an impromptu meeting with the Biology department earlier this morning, President Simmons revealed his intention to have the preserved body of Harambe inducted into Carver Science Center’s Hall of Fame by spring of 2017. “It’s nearly a done deal, we just have to file the paperwork,” Simmons explained to his awestruck audience. […]

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Freshman Student Refusing to Accept Rigged Midterm Results

SIMPSON – Following the release of a horrendously bad set of midterm grades, freshman Ronald Crump has informed his friends, family, and supporters of his refusal to accept the obviously rigged grades. “The whole system is rigged against me!” exclaimed Crump as he lovingly listened to his echo in a nearby chamber. “My professors are […]

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The Falls You Need to Take Over Fall Break

As you all have noticed, Fall Break is  here! I know that sometimes too much free time can be overwhelming. Here is a list of fun things you can do this wonderful break to fill your time! Fall asleep. As many people say, “sleep is for the weak.” I completely disagree. If sleep is for […]

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