Simpson Squirrels Left Destitute After Sacred Campus Tree is Chopped Down

tree

SIMPSON — The local squirrel population here on campus became terrified for their lives after one of their sacred, hollow tree homes was destroyed in a vicious attack.

The violent siege occurred this morning, resulting in the displacement of countless Simpson squirrels.  After fleeing the doomed tree, the resident squirrels watched in horror as their home was reduced to a pile of firewood.  Luckily, no casualties were reported.

The historic tree, located next to McNeil Hall, has long been a peaceful home for Simpson squirrels since as long as they can remember.  Currently, no plans have been arranged to offer permanent or temporary housing to the dislocated squirrels, although Luke Behaunek is scheduled to meet with their council of elders later this evening about the situation.

During press time, the squirrels collectively voiced their horror, grief, and outrage in a wordless “SQUEEAAK!”

By Paul Randalson

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Categories: News

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