ResLife Plagues Wipes Out Student Staff and Other Innocents

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SIMPSON – An absolutely epic plague originating among student staff in Residence Life has begun transferring to innocents at an alarming rate.

Sufferers of the malicious malady report scorching fevers, upset tummies, completely blocked nasal passages, sandpaper-esque throats, and pervasive tiredness. The symptoms were originally diagnosed as “Wussy-itis” until medical staff realized they really weren’t faking it.

Patient Zero of the ResLife Plague has proven hard to pinpoint but all fingers point towards Kayley Zimmerman or Samantha Sweet of the First-Year Area. Over the course of several weeks, other ResLife staffers from Brooklyn Hunter to Morgan Moline were overcome.

An especially virulent strain of the ResLife Plague, informally referred to as the Smale Strain, has taken root in the Kappa Theta Psi house. Members of the KOY House, while appreciative of Nathanael Smale’s willingness to share, nonetheless are displeased with the consequences of Smale’s generosity.

“I’m advising students to avoid their CA’s until the ResLife Plague has fully worked its way out of their systems,” said Katie Lee, Simpson’s only nurse. “If your CA is suddenly way too peppy about floor events, they’re not sick with the ResLife Plague, but sick in another way entirely.”


Updated as of 6:00 PM

-Dean Luke Behaunek has been identified as Patient Zero behind the ResLife Plague. He is currently using the birth of his baby boy (congrats btw!) as a means of avoiding justice for his biological crimes against humanity.

-The so-called “Smale Strain” has blown up into it’s own full-blown virus. Scientists in Simpson’s Biology department have given it the name “Ginger-Vitus”

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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