Archive | September, 2016

99% of Freshmen Chose Simpson Because of Free Taco Bell Vouchers

This year Simpson College is boasting the largest wave of out of-state students in years. From Hawaii to North Carolina, non-Iowans are disregarding distance and flocking to Simpson College. Why? What is different about this year, you might ask? Admissions Counselor Larissa Mincks recently let it slip that Simpson College sent out “Free Taco Bell Meal” vouchers to […]

Continue Reading

President Simmons Sues the Storm Cellar for Copyright Infringement

SIMPSON — Early this morning, President Jay Simmons announced that he would be suing the Storm Cellar bookstore for its recent promotion and sale of a t-shirt featuring an image of his face. In a hastily arranged interview with our reporters, a fuming Simmons explained that the Storm Cellar had committed copyright infringement by using […]

Continue Reading

Dr. Tim McMillin Still Bitter about Being Kicked Off the Filharmonic

SIMPSON – Tonight’s performance by the Filharmonic is a exciting occasion for Simpson students but for one professor on campus? Not so much. Dr. Tim McMillin, the Department Chair of Music at Simpson, was a member of the group back before they reached the heights of stardom and fame. He met the group via an online mobile […]

Continue Reading

Simpson Feminists Confront Freshmen Guys Hoping to Study-A-Broad

SIMPSON — A misogynistic misunderstanding arose earlier today at the annual Study Abroad Fair, involving several freshmen guys and members of the the newly-formed Simpson Feminists club. According to witnesses, a confused-looking group of freshmen guys was seen standing near the entrance to the the crowded Great Hall.  Upon seeing the befuddled bunch, Jay Wilkinson, Simpson’s Director […]

Continue Reading

Brangelina Split-Up Leaves JenneJay As Last Standing Power Couple

SIMPSON – With the downfall of the world’s most influential couple, a power vacuum has been left open that the world’s second most influential couple is hoping to fill. Earlier today, the world was left reeling when word reached the presses the Angelina Jolie had filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. The coming divorce will break […]

Continue Reading