Archive | August, 2016
Pokemon GO Story

Student Kicked Out For Playing Pokémon GO in Class

Before the first day of classes was even over, Simpson Senior Nate Jones had been kicked out of HISTORY-373. On second floor Wallace, Jones had sat in the back corner of the classroom, furthest from the professor, determined to get as many PokéSpins as possible. Every five minutes, Jones would wait until Professor Sasser wasn’t looking, pull […]

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Simpson Moms Everywhere Anxiously Awaiting First Day of School Pic

SIMPSON – Mothers across the United States and around the world have reported they are anxiously awaiting the posting of their son/daughter’s first day of school pics on Facebook. “I have to know what he decided to wear,” said Martha Johnson as she checked her son Daryl’s bedroom closet back home. “He better not have worn those […]

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Opening Night Comedian Unable to Weather “the Storm”- Cancels Show

SIMPSON – The opening comedian has been cancelled due to flight delays resulting from a particularly powerful Storm emanating from Simpson’s campus. The unfortunate news was announced via the Campus Activities Board Facebook page late Monday night. Seaton Smith had been scheduled to perform in Pote Theatre at 10 p.m., but was postponed until 10:30 p.m.  Smith, valuing […]

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Ancient Sage (Rich Ramos) Unsure of Actual Anniversary of Stand Around

SIMPSON – Having descended from his mystical heights of Third Floor Kent to mingle with the “Enlightened Ones” of the CAB Executive Board, Ancient Sage and Associate Dean of Students Rich Ramos declared he had no clue as to how long Stand Around had been going on. “Every year, I kinda just throw a bunch of numbers […]

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Pizza ATM to be Installed at Simpson College

SIMPSON — It’s official: Simpson College is set to become the second college in the nation to own a Pizza ATM. Plans to order one of the state-of-the-art pizza dispensers quickly solidified after Xavier University unveiled the installation of their own machine, a move that has garnered widespread praise from colleges and students around the […]

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