Simpson to Institute New “Trump Standards” for Plagiarism

Steffen Pic

SIMPSON – In an effort to stay on the leading edge of academic rigor, Simpson College will be implementing new plagiarism standards based on criteria set forth by Melania Trump on Monday for the 2016-2017 academic year.

It took only one day for the Republican National Committee meeting in Cleveland to become embroiled in the worst kind of controversy… academic integrity and ethics. Melania stands accused of lifting lines directly from a 2008 speech by Michelle Obama.

“We admit to no wrongdoing,” said Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort as he liberally used copy-and-paste on his computer. “It’s not our fault that there were ‘commonalities’ and ‘similarities’ between Melania’s speech and a speech by the First Lady of the AntiChrist.”

The new standards set forth by Trump have been met by some in the academic community with scorn and puzzlement. However, at Simpson, the plagiarism standards have been embraced.

“I honestly cannot wait until this fall when my students can deny plagiarizing papers by conceding their similarities with source documents,” said Department Chair of Communication and Media Studies Brian Steffen. “Only those high-falutin’ liberal journalists make a big deal out of this sort of nonsense.

Other staff and faculty at Simpson have applauded the changes as well. Kara May, the assistant director of the Hawley Center, is grateful that students will now be able to “recycle” information because “Lord knows there’s nothing original left to say” and “everyone does it anyways.”

However, only a few hours after the implementation of Trump’s new standards, the Trump campaign released further guidelines to better satisfy those “gosh darn commie profs.”

“I’m incredibly appreciative of future Attorney General Chris Christie’s insight into the new standards,” gushed Assistant Professor of Communication Studies Mark Siebert. “It’s good to know that I can limit the plagiarism to around 7%… or whatever… because who cares?”

Additionally, in one of his first initiatives on campus, Kent Eaton, the Interim Academic Dean, announced that all students who found a convoluted way to blame Hillary Clinton for their plagiarism would receive “yuge” amounts of extra credit.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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