SIMPSON – Squirrels at Simpson have had enough of overzealous future Pokémon champions chasing them around campus with cellular devices.
“I can’t even collect my nuts in peace and quiet anymore,” said George Bushy, a longtime squirrel resident of Simpson’s famous butt-tree. “Everyone mistakes me for a Pachirisu or Emolga or even a freakin’ Vulpix now!”
Bushy is not alone as his frustrations are shared by many in the Simpson squirrel community. The first case of mistaken Pokémon identity occurred barely a day into the app’s launch.
“Here I was minding my own business when all of sudden that maniac Chris [Frerichs] came barreling down on me with his security golf cart!” exclaimed Rocky the Squirrel as he relived the incident in his head. “He was shouting ‘Gotta get me that XP!’ as he chased me around campus.”
With students returning to campus in August, Simpson’s squirrels know that their troubles are only just beginning. With even the campus administration on board, August through May will be open season on Simpson’s squirrels.
Unconfirmed reports have pegged President Simmons as a leading threat to the squirrel populace. Simmons’ office has become a Gym in the app and he has taken to defending his turf with an office full of kidnapped and mildly brainwashed squirrels.
“Y’all can bring it!” shouted President Simmons from the ramparts of Hillman Hall as he denied repeated requests for an interview. “My Pachirisu (captive squirrels) will leave you deader than a raccoon on a gravel road!”
But for some squirrels, the craziness of their human neighbors has become too much to bear. Shouts of “Gotta catch’em all!” echoing throughout campus keep young squirrels hiding in their homes and their parents shivering in terror.
“We’re almost ready to move to Central College where the danger presented by Pokémon Go is nonexistent,” said Simon Squirrel as he gathered up nuts for his family. “Those mindless fools are still playing Digimon!”
By Lionel Robertson