Simpson Announces First Successful Minnesotan-to-Iowan Conversion

SIMPSON – Scientists at Simpson College in Indianola announced today that after years of research and experimentation, they had finally succeeded in converting a Minnesotan into an Iowan.

The first lucky recipient of this groundbreaking treatment was recent Simpson grad Molly Monk, now a formerly unrepentant and uncivilized Minnesotan. So successful was Molly’s treatment that she has already taken to spending time in open fields and has developed an affinity for old, solid colored farming hats.

“The hardest part of the conversion process was convincing the patient that Iowa Nice was far superior to so-called Minnesota Nice,” explained Dr. Derek Lyons, Assistant Professor of Chemistry at Simpson. “We eventually figured out that electroshock and waterboarding treatments resulted in the quickest and most permanent changes.”

The process, referred to as Minnesota-Iowa Conversion (or “MIC” for short), was first experimented with back in 2009 but saw setbacks early on.

“The first couple of treatments went horribly wrong,” said Dr. Ryan Rehmeier, Department Chair of Biology. “We tuned their corn-husking orientation just a bit too far and turned them into Nebraskans.”

“Don’t worry. They were humanely put down,” finished Rehmeier.

Fortunately, Simpson College saw promise in MIC and supported the efforts of Rehmeier and Lyons by upping the college’s Minnesota recruitment numbers. With more Minnesotans on campus, more testing could be conducted.

“Eventually, we hit upon just the right blend of country music, food-on-a-stick, electroshock, corn, toleration for Gov. Branstad, bacon, mild religious involvement, waterboarding, and interest in the caucuses,” said Lyons.

For their first patient, life as an Iowan has proven to be far more fulfilling than their earlier, drabber existence as a Minnesotan.

“Y’all are such nice people,” said Monk as she shopped for a new pair of Hawkeye themed overalls. “I’m so happy now that you could fry me up, put me on a stick, and sell me at the Iowa State Fair!”

As for who will receive treatment next, there was no doubt in the minds of Lyons and Rehmeier.

“We’re taking down President Jay Simmons next,” said Rehmeier. “That accent has to go.”

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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