Simpson Votes to SEXIT from IIAC in Wake of Brexit Vote

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SIMPSON – Mere days after a narrow majority of patriotic and definitely not xenophobic UK citizens voted to leave the EU (lovingly referred to as BREXIT), President Jay Simmons called for a vote for Simpson College to leave the Iowa Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (IIAC).

Emboldened by the success of the in-no-way-shape-or-form isolationist BREXIT movement, Simmons saw an opportunity for the Storm to get the heck outta the IIAC. Simmons, circumventing the Democratic process, called for, organized, and closed the vote (referred to as SEXIT by Public Relations Czar Jill Johnson) all in one day.

“It’s fate that this vote took place on the Fourth of July and once again we are fighting for our freedom,” intoned Simmons as he readjusted his trademark bowtie, “from Dutch people! from Norse people!… wait… I mean… freedom from poor athletic competition!”

Due to a lack of any actual students on campus, Simmons called upon the Czar of the Registrar Jody Ragan to enroll the vast number of opera performers on campus as part-time students. In exchange for free vocal lessons with that “dirty foreigner” Dr. Bernard McDonald, opera “students” voted overwhelmingly to SEXIT.

“SEXIT-ing will not benefit our athletes,” exclaimed Bob Nutgrass, Director of Sports Administration at Simpson. “SEXIT-ing will have a huge ripple effect throughout the IIAC and will lead to the devaluation of our athletes.”

Complicating matters is the fact that Simpson’s exit from the IIAC will have to occur over a two-year period.

“It’s gonna be awwwwwkkkkwwwwaaarrrddddd,” stated Chuck Yrigoyen, Commissioner of the IIAC, as he slowly shook his head. “Also, Simmons was the Chair of the Presidents’ Council Executive Committee, so I got no idea what that man was thinking.”

As of today, Simmons announced that he was considering stepping down from the presidency since he had accomplished what he wanted to do.

“Just like Nigel Farage, I’m gonna make a mess bigger than a tornado through an Alabamy trailer park,” explained Simmons. “And then I’m gonna leave that mess for some other poor sucker to clean up. Now that’s the SEXIT way!”

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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