Archive | July, 2016

Pokémon Go: Central College Students to Transfer to Simpson to Catch ‘Em All

SIMPSON — Over the past two weeks, the Office of Admissions has been flooded with transfer requests from desperate Central College students. According to Michael Norris, Simpson’s Director of Transfer Enrollment, they all shared a common reason for ditching the Dutch: their all-consuming need to catch Pokémon. “I lost track of how many calls I […]

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Simpson to Institute New “Trump Standards” for Plagiarism

SIMPSON – In an effort to stay on the leading edge of academic rigor, Simpson College will be implementing new plagiarism standards based on criteria set forth by Melania Trump on Monday for the 2016-2017 academic year. It took only one day for the Republican National Committee meeting in Cleveland to become embroiled in the […]

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​Pokémon Go: Simpson Squirrels Tired of Being Mistaken for Pokémon

SIMPSON – Squirrels at Simpson have had enough of overzealous future Pokémon champions chasing them around campus with cellular devices. “I can’t even collect my nuts in peace and quiet anymore,” said George Bushy, a longtime squirrel resident of Simpson’s famous butt-tree. “Everyone mistakes me for a Pachirisu or Emolga or even a freakin’ Vulpix […]

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Simpson Announces First Successful Minnesotan-to-Iowan Conversion

SIMPSON – Scientists at Simpson College in Indianola announced today that after years of research and experimentation, they had finally succeeded in converting a Minnesotan into an Iowan. The first lucky recipient of this groundbreaking treatment was recent Simpson grad Molly Monk, now a formerly unrepentant and uncivilized Minnesotan. So successful was Molly’s treatment that […]

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Simpson Votes to SEXIT from IIAC in Wake of Brexit Vote

SIMPSON – Mere days after a narrow majority of patriotic and definitely not xenophobic UK citizens voted to leave the EU (lovingly referred to as BREXIT), President Jay Simmons called for a vote for Simpson College to leave the Iowa Intercollegiate Athletic Conference (IIAC). Emboldened by the success of the in-no-way-shape-or-form isolationist BREXIT movement, Simmons saw an […]

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