BREAKING NEWS: Rob Hogg to Drop Out of Senate Primary Amidst Private College Scandal

Rob Hogg

DES MOINES – Iowa Sen. Rob Hogg (D – Cedar Rapids) is expected to announce tonight that he will be suspending his campaign to be the Democratic nominee for state senator.

The announcement comes amidst controversy surrounding Hogg’s duplicitous support of Iowa’s private colleges, specifically Central College in Pella and Simpson College in Indianola.

“I had no reason to believe there would be dismay over my standing with both the Dutch and the Storm,” said the naive Hogg as he still failed to take into account the decades old rivalry and bitter animosity between the two colleges’ sports teams.

Hogg’s deceitfulness and hoodwinking of both Central and Simpson was uncovered in the early morning hours of June 6, by Professor Kedron Bardwell of Simpson. Bardwell released the evidence of Hogg’s treachery in the form of a graphic on Twitter.

“When I saw what Hogg had done, I knew I couldn’t allow his chicanery to go unchecked,” explained Bardwell. “I’ve seem some dishonest campaigning in my time, but this is quite possibly the worst I’ve ever come across.”

The release of the graphic led to a subsequent firestorm of denunciation from both Central and Simpson students. This marked the first time the two campuses had worked together or agreed on anything since the Civil War.

“If you stand for everything, then you stand for nothing,” said Bob Lamb, a Senior political science student at Simpson. “And when it comes to Simpson and Central, you damn well better be on the right side.”

Supporters of Democratic candidate Patty Judge are encouraging students to use the hashtags: #GraphicGate, #StormDutch, and #PickASide. Like any good politician, Judge is planning to announce her support of either Simpson or Central following extensive collection of polling data.

(This story is a work of satire and is not meant to sway the primary in any way, shape, or form.)

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