Simpson Will Build a Wall and Central Will Pay For It!

Simpson College demands central has a wallSIMPSON— The Dutch have struck again! Central students have been caught visiting Simpson College without proper documentation.

With Simpson being a private school, individuals must register to be on campus. To keep Central students who are not transfers from coming to Simpson, President Simmons has proposed a wall along the Simpson/ Central border.

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our eastern border, and I will make Central pay for that wall. Mark my word? Simmons said.

Simmons’ plans, under the “Make Simpson Great Again” initiative, will include a 40-mile long wall between Simpson and Central College.

However, Simmons’ plan has been met with some resistance by detractors on both sides of the proposed wall.

Central’s President, Mark Putnam, shockingly exclaimed, “I’m not going to pay for that f***ing wall!”

Also opposed to Simmons’ idea is Simpson’s political science professor Kedron Bardwell.

“If you’re going to find a solution to the Simpson/Central border dispute, it needs to be through diplomatic negotiation instead of nonsensical and impractical rhetoric.” explained an exasperated Bardwell.

When asked by a Simpson student who transferred from Central why he doesn’t like Central students, President Simmons replied,

“When Central sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing windows. They’re bringing pastries. They’re Dutch… And some, I assume, are good people.”

Despite the controversy, plans to construct the $8-10 million wall are already underway.

“A college without borders is not a college,” Simmons said. “Central will pay for a wall because I say so.”

In case Central doesn’t abide by Simmons’ demands, it is proposed money from the Simpson Fund will go towards the wall under the Fence Those Dummies (FTD) Act.

“We don’t win any more. Simpson needs more wins,” said Simmons.

FTD for the win!

By: Nick Hermon

Tags: , , , , , ,

Categories: Features, News


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