Commencement Moved Indoors to Protect President Simmons’ Mustache from Rain Damage


SIMPSON – Stormy weather predictions have caused campus administration to call for the implementation of “Plan Rain” with all Commencement activities to now take place indoors.

“Plan Rain” calls for the use of Kent as the holding pen for the Class of 2016 with Carse hallway serving as the funnel to Cowles Fieldhouse for the graduation ceremonies.

“Plan Rain” ensures that President Jay Simmons’ mustache will at no point during Commencement come into contact with Saturday’s inclement weather. Every year Simmons’ personal barber spends several hours on the mustache before Commencement and the mustache must be almost religiously maintained following that procedure.

“No individual follicle of that beautiful man’s mustache will be out of place!” exclaimed Alfonso Seville, Simmons’ personal barber as he sharpened several dangerous looking blades. “I make it even. I make it flawless. I make it perfect… unlike Epperson’s.”

Jill Johnson, vice-president of marketing and public relations, explained the magnitude and danger of allowing Simmons’ mustache to be exposed to the stormy weather.

“If that mustache is blown astray or laid bare to water damage the reputation of this college will be forever sullied!” explained Johnson as she nervously wrung her hands. “100% chance of t-storms? That’s a 100% chance of doom!”

Students can check in at the Info Desk in Kent at 9:15 with line-up occurring upstairs in Hubbell Hall. A reception for the graduates will be held in Kent Atrium and Principal Black Box following Commencement.

The reception is also the perfect opportunity to get a picture with Simmons’ mustache.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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