Simpson’s New “Sidewalk to Nowhere” Causes Mass Disappearances

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SIMPSON – Students are disappearing from the Simpson College campus and a new sidewalk may be to blame. The first disappearance occurred on March 29 soon after students returned from Easter Recess and around the time the new sidewalk outside of Carver Science Building was installed.

Jackie Brittingham, professor of biology at Simpson and longtime squatter in Carver, was the first to notice the disappearances and quite loudly made known her misgivings about the new sidewalk.

“This stupid ‘Sidewalk to Nowhere’ was a pathetic use of student activity fees and now it’s gobbling up students,” exclaimed an irate Brittingham as she displayed the first semblance of concern for students that students could ever remember her showing.

The new sidewalk was one of the first capital improvement projects conducted by the SGA this year. Indeed, the project was the result of almost a semester of discussion and planning.

“Students had already been using that route for quite some time and it had become a very unappealing cattle path,” explained Student Body President Robert Lyons. “Now the route is open to more students and faculty and it looks a heck of a lot better than it used to look.”

Oddly enough, the new sidewalk does not appear to react to every student that utilizes it. Some have even suggested that the sidewalk has certain criteria for its victims.

One eyewitness account is as follows:

“Me and Jacob [Javits] were enjoying a quiet evening of studying in Carver that first Monday after break,” said Arthur Larson, a junior biology major. “When we left the building we both noticed the new sidewalk right away.”

“Jacob and I were super excited about the path,” said Larson. “You know the shortest path between two points is a straight line after all!”

As they approached the sidewalk, Larson noticed that his shoe was untied and bent down to remedy the situation. It was at that point that Javits, who was just getting ready to step on the new sidewalk, would disappear.

“I heard him say, right before he disappeared, ‘Wow, this is such an improvement to campus, but man do I feel lazy taking th….’ and then his sentence trailed off,” stated a morose looking Larson. “I looked up and he was gone! I looked everywhere but I couldn’t see anything. Nothing! It’s like that new sidewalk  lead to nowhere!”

So far five student disappearances have been reported but many more are suspected to be missing. All students missing thus far are students from the natural sciences that often frequent Carver but are considered “occasionally lazy” by certain professors in the department.

Until the current mystery is resolved, Brittingham has some unsolicited advice for students.

“Stop being so lazy! Use your legs and walk on the other perfectly good sidewalks around Carver,” said Brittingham. “Besides, those extra 20 steps will be good for your cardiovascular health.”

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