800 Volunteers Overcome Massive Hangovers for Successful Campus Day

Campus Day

SIMPSON – Boasting the largest number of volunteers in recent memory, today’s Campus Day brought together the Simpson community through service and the shared experience of friggin’ terrible hangovers.

“I was very impressed with how many students overcame civic disinterest and splittin’ headaches to volunteer today,” said Senior Senator Ruth Ann Roberts, organizer of Campus Day. “Students really showed determination to work through the lingering pain.”

Students of all ages reported symptoms of alcohol-related hangovers, sleep-deprivation hangovers and being-the-sober-friend-forced-to-take-care-of-everyone hangovers. Overcast, chilly weather made for an agreeable environment for hangover sufferers.

“Yo dude… I can’t even feel my face right now bro…” said sophomore Bud W. Eiser as he wearily squinted down through thick black sunglasses at the mulch he was gamely spreading around College Hall. “I’m just glad someone else is picking up all the cans I left around my apartment building last night.”

Simpson Alumni who came back for the annual tradition were impressed at how well students handled their hangovers. Many reminisced about their Campus Day Eve capers and subsequently painful Campus Days.

“Back in my day, Campus Day wasn’t on the calendar. We didn’t know when it would happen so we had to guess,” said grizzled alumnus Stein G. Lass as he knowingly smiled at the fatigued students in his group. “Because we didn’t we know, we treated every day like Campus Day Eve. Now those were the days… if I could remember ’em.”

To increase attendance for next year’s Campus Day, plans have been made to implement a Gatorade delivery system for students stuck in bed, to operate a Bloody Mary stand outside Kent and to turn off all hot water on campus to accommodate much needed ice-cold showers to, you know, clear the head.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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