Archive | April, 2016

Commencement Moved Indoors to Protect President Simmons’ Mustache from Rain Damage

SIMPSON – Stormy weather predictions have caused campus administration to call for the implementation of “Plan Rain” with all Commencement activities to now take place indoors. “Plan Rain” calls for the use of Kent as the holding pen for the Class of 2016 with Carse hallway serving as the funnel to Cowles Fieldhouse for the graduation ceremonies. “Plan […]

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Simpson Campus Deemed As National Wetland Park

  HILLMAN— Yesterday’s death-bringing storm led to the recent massive flooding of campus. Today, the Environmental Awareness Club (EAC) has proposed to convert the flooded campus into a protected national wetland park. Simpson’s Board of Trustees approved the proposal as a recruitment strategy for attracting more environmentally minded prospective students. Under the new designation as a national […]

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The Acorn— 1st Print Edition

In our anti-green movement, we decided it was time to reach individuals through the legacy media of newspapers. To appease all audiences, here is our online version of this paper:

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Tornado Warning for Simpson – Danger Imminent – Get to Safety

TORNADO WATCH: The National Weather Service in Des Moines has issued a Tornado Watch for Warren County and Indianola effective until 9:00pm CDT tonight. Simpson sent an email to all students with directions on where to cower in fear in each of the buildings. The email has been reprinted below without permission   TORNADO/WINDSTORM The purpose […]

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Lil’ Dicky Draws Large Crowd Saturday Night in Successful End-of-Year Concert

SIMPSON — Rapper Lil Dicky did not disappoint his Simpson fans over the weekend. Lil Dicky’s concert in the Black Box Theatre, which took place Saturday from 8-11pm, was met with resounding praise from Simpson students and members of the Indianola community. His opening act, the Great, Underappreciated Lovable Losers In Band League Excellence (GULLIBLE) did […]

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