Chartwells Doesn’t Find Success At Simpson College

Chartwells Article

SIMPSON – In a surprising move that proved good really can overcome evil, Simpson College and Chartwells have decided to part ways. While most students had hoped for an immediate separation, the long-time-in-coming breakup will have to wait until June 1.

Chartwells, claiming to have initiated the separation, stated they were unaware of problems at Simpson until their outgoing director, Andy Decker, returned to Chartwells HQ located within a brooding fortress atop a craggy peak in the wilds of eastern Kentucky.

“We just don’t understand how Simpson students could say such hurtful things about our wonderful organization,” said Bryce McButtWipe, CEO & Supreme Leader of Chartwells, as he leaned back in his oversized chair while stroking a large white cat. “Claims of subpar food, terrible treatment of employees, mishandling of events… it’s all poppycock!”

Ken Birkenholtz, Vice President for Business and Finance at Simpson, who had the joyous job of breaking the happy news to campus, stated in his email to students that a successful institution like Simpson could no longer afford to be shackled to such a sorry institution as Chartwells.

“Who would ever want to associate with a company that treats its employees and middle managers worse than Foxconn?” said Birkenholtz as he cried tears of joy while dancing around a May Pole with former Chartwells employees. “Truly a digestive liberation is afoot!”

Mark Howard, Simpson’s current director of dining (and the sixth person in four years to hold the position), is ecstatic about the new opportunities a relationship with Sodexo will give the college.

“Unlike Chartwells, Sodexo actually understands that food allergies aren’t just some passing hippy trend,” said a visibly relieved Howard as he fully digested the news. “And they’re going to let us have pie! Not every day, but at least, like, once a week.”

Officials with Sodexo could not be reached for comment but their PR offices did release a statement to the press with such encouraging statements and zingers as:

“Anything is better than Chartwells, right guys?”
“We at least know how to make pizzas.”
“Chartwells set the bar so low we can’t even physically do the limbo with it any longer.”
“Sodexo. –  you don’t know what you got til it’s gone (we knew you’d come crawling back to us eventually…)”

By Lionel Robertson


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