Simpson Hires Bruce Willis to Coach Shooting Sports Club

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SIMPSON – Yesterday the college announced that it had hired Bruce Willis as its full time coach for the shooting sports club. He will officially begin at the college in August.

Simpson’s shooting sports club has been in existence since 2010 and has most recently weathered a storm of controversy concerning its existence on campus and claims it would bring about Armageddon.

Willis has served as an expert firearms and hand-to-hand combat instructor since 1988. He has trained with Germans, Russians and ex-US military special operatives and his explosive personality has left quite the impression with his enemies… uhm… rivals.

“Bruce is not someone you can treat as Expendable,” said Marsellus Wallace, a former companion of Willis. “Indeed, no one Dies Harder or Lives Freer than this man.”

President Jay Simmons, who came across Willis at a black tie skeet shooting event in Mobile, Alabama, invited him to campus as soon as he saw how well Willis could shoot standing up, kneeling, laying on the ground, jumping out of a car, or through his own body.

He’s just got this kinda Sixth Sense about him,” said President Simmons as he polished his prized semiautomatic .45 colt pistol that he uses for on-campus squirrel hunting. “He’s definitely in his element with a weapon, dare I say it, even the Fifth Element.”

Willis, who was already aware of the controversy surrounding Simpson’s shooting club, accepted the offer as soon as he learned Tom Cruise would be moving to campus. Willis is already making sure to get a better lottery number than Cruise.

“I will pound into a ‘Pulp’ anyone who promotes the ‘Fiction’ that shooting sports is irresponsible,” said the imposing Willis as he stocked his new office with a large selection of AK-47s and rifles.

“Yippee Ki-Yay Mother-squirrels,” muttered Willis as he stared vacantly out his office window. “Yippee Ki-Yay…”

By Lionel Robertson

 

Categories: News

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