Tom Cruise Moving to Simpson Housing, Dissatisfied With Lottery Number

Tom Cruise Picture

SIMPSON – Simpson College is getting a new, high-profile part-time transfer student for Fall 2016. Tom Cruise, the celebrated actor, recently announced his intention to move to Indianola but forget to mention his forthcoming enrollment at Simpson.

However, Cruise’s enrollment with the college hasn’t been without its hiccups. The most major of these hiccups involves the astonishingly bad lottery number he’s been assigned for next year’s room selection.

“I am one of the Top Guns of Hollywood,” exclaimed an irate Cruise as he jumped up and down on a couch in Kent. “It’s friggin’ Mission Impossible to get a decent room since Luke [Behaunek] added 500 points onto my lottery number for being a part-time student.”

Cruise, saddled with the woeful lottery number of 3,326, has not yet resigned himself to his fate as a probable resident of the Detroit Apartments. College officials, specifically Luke Behaunek, Dean of Students, have shown little to no sympathy for Cruise.

“He just can’t seem to handle the truth,” said an exasperated Behaunek as he reclined in his office’s sinfully comfortable chair. “Cruise just needs to find A Few Good Men with better numbers and he might be lucky enough to get an apartment in Hamilton.”

Unfortunately, Cruise has already agreed to a rooming situation with three freshmen students, Ethan Hunt, Jerry Maguire and Jack Reacher, whose numbers are almost as miserable as his own.

“It’s Risky Business to attempt to get a nice apartment with a group of freshies,” said Michael Reuter, a ResLifer with a -96 lottery number. “You gotta know how to play the system and you gotta take your Residence Life Experience Survey.”

At press time, a frenetic and still visibly annoyed Cruise (a professed scientologist) could be seen outside Smith Chapel protesting the college’s Methodist connection.

By Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News


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