Squirrels Really Starting to Regret Giving Up Nuts for Lent

Squirrel Lent

Simpson – With a month left of the Lenten season, Simpson’s squirrel population is beginning to wonder if they can truly hold out on their pledge to give up nuts for Lent.

Squeak squeeeeeak squeaky squeakity,” squeaked Henry S. Squeaker as he gnawed on tree bark to satiate his hunger. “Squeakers squeakin squeak! Squeeaaak squeaky.”

Since February 10, acorns and nuts of all varieties have gone unpicked-up as squirrels have faithfully observed their Lenten promise. This dedication has not gone unnoticed by Simpson’s religious community.

“Such devotion is a lesson in perseverance to all of us,” said Mara Bailey, the Simpson College chaplain. “I just can’t believe they’ve lasted this long, especially since nuts are a very necessary part of the squirrel diet.”

Unfortunately, the squirrels’ dedication has led to a dangerous situation wherein students are at risk of slipping and falling on the abundance of rogue acorns and nuts across campus.

“I was on my way to class when I slipped on an acorn and sprained my ankle!” exclaimed Brooke Volz, a junior at Simpson, as the campus nurse ministered her wounds. “I won’t be able to walk for weeks.”

President Simmons has issued a warning to the campus community to be careful when walking around campus. Because, as he puts it, the situation “…is nuts.”

By Stevie Frank & Lionel Robertson

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Categories: News

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