The Advice-Giver Column (February Edition)



Letter #1

Dear I Can’t Fail Again!,

The first step is to cry. Just let it all out. In my experience, the best way to handle the situation is to not even show up for the test. I mean, what’s the point if you’re going to fail anyway?
Just email your Professor and be honest. Tell them that you stepped on the seal and you’re going to fail so you will not be showing up for the test and you do not intend on making it up. They will understand. During test time, treat yo’ self to some ice cream. You deserve it.

Best of luck,


Letter #2

Dear I’m Not From Here,

First of all, I can tell you’re not from here, but thank you for clarifying. Second, I have heard from a VERY reliable source that “said gas station” makes their pizza with a very special ingredient: love.
Just kidding, I’m pretty sure it’s the bacon grease that they spread on top.



Letter #3

Dear Locked Out,

Stop forgetting your ID. Problem solved.



Letter #4

Dear Can’t Afford Late Fees,

I have never been in this situation, but after much investigation I concluded that the only way to handle this situation is to flirt with the librarian. I’m not talking about the person running the desk; I’m talking about the person who charges you those horrible late fees. I hear they can be up to $7,000 so you better bring you’re A-game!
Make sure you wink, the more you wink the better. Spend a significant amount of time on the Internet finding the best pick-up lines. Flowers are not out of the question. You need to sweep that librarian off their feet!


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Categories: Advice, News


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