Simpson Students Steal Cable from Home of President Simmons

Cable Snip

Simpson – Campus authorities discovered late Wednesday night that students had managed to splice into the cable line of President Simmons’ home.

President Simmons first noticed that something was wrong when a long, haphazardly strung wire, reaching from his home towards campus, appeared early on Sunday before the Super Bowl.

“I was just tryin’ to watch the Puppy Bowl but my screen kept flickering and shutting off every time one of those adorable little pups was about to score a touchdown,” said a still visibly irritated Simmons as he watched re-runs of the Kitty Bowl in his office.

Authorities responded quickly to the President’s pleas for assistance and arrived early on Wednesday, breaking their previous response time record of eight days set in early 2001.

“There was no trail of clues to follow,” said Chris Frerichs, head of security at Simpson. “But there was a wire so we followed that instead.”

The wire led authorities to the Clinton Apartments and, specifically, a room on the second floor. Laughter could be heard behind the door as the residents of the room were apparently watching reruns of “Friends.”

Authorities waited until a commercial break to beat down the door and arrest the room’s residents.

“You can’t do this to me. You take away our cable and we’re doomed! Doomed I tell you!” exclaimed Ernie S. Anders, a senior political science student and resident of the room. “Free cable is a right for all students. Pay for it? Never! We start a revolution today!”

As punishment, the room’s residents were required to stay on the line with Mediacom for an undetermined length of time. As of press time, they were still there.


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