Political Science Students Experience Painful Withdrawal After Caucuses

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Simpson – Following a seemingly never-ending campaign cycle and an intense night of Caucuses, politically active students at Simpson College were disturbed to find that there was nothing for them to do, campaign-wise, this morning.

“Without Hillary, I don’t know what to do with my life!” exclaimed Bobbi Fogle, a freshman volunteer with the Hillary for Iowa campaign, as she embraced her equally distraught co-workers Kaye Tayle and Tre Loge. “How do I live? Do I move to New Hampshire? When do I start campaigning for the general election?!”

Ellie Olsen, director of counseling services at Simpson, has warned professors to keep an eye on their politically engaged students. Olsen says that with no more campaigning going on, these students need to find positive hobbies, like doing homework, to fill their inner void and avoid listlessness.

“There are a few signs professors should look for,” explained Olsen as she comforted a heartbroken Fiorina supporter in her office. “They’ll have a disheveled appearance and will refuse to remove campaign shirts. And most tellingly, they won’t voice their opinions on every single issue in class.”

At press time, other prominent members of the Simpson political community were found to be suffering from withdrawal. Nick Laning, a politically engaged sophomore, could be found staring at a wall in the OrgSuite and Professor John Epperson could be found morosely grooming his now wilting mustache.

To help, just engage a politically active student in conversation and then quickly leave. This stimulus will help them to manage their life for the rest of the day.

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