Archive | February, 2016

Tom Cruise Moving to Simpson Housing, Dissatisfied With Lottery Number

SIMPSON – Simpson College is getting a new, high-profile part-time transfer student for Fall 2016. Tom Cruise, the celebrated actor, recently announced his intention to move to Indianola but forget to mention his forthcoming enrollment at Simpson. However, Cruise’s enrollment with the college hasn’t been without its hiccups. The most major of these hiccups involves the […]

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Squirrels Really Starting to Regret Giving Up Nuts for Lent

Simpson – With a month left of the Lenten season, Simpson’s squirrel population is beginning to wonder if they can truly hold out on their pledge to give up nuts for Lent. Squeak squeeeeeak squeaky squeakity,” squeaked Henry S. Squeaker as he gnawed on tree bark to satiate his hunger. “Squeakers squeakin squeak! Squeeaaak squeaky.” Since […]

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Dillon Gretzky – The Greatest Hockey Player Simpson Never Had

SIMPSON – The man. The myth. The legend. Dillon Gretzky, senior basketball player for the Simpson Storm, comes from a legendary lineage. He can light it up on the court but that last name is calling for him to deke and dangle on the ice. With 15.4ppg  and a single game high of 27 this […]

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The Advice-Giver Column (February Edition)

    Dear I Can’t Fail Again!, The first step is to cry. Just let it all out. In my experience, the best way to handle the situation is to not even show up for the test. I mean, what’s the point if you’re going to fail anyway? Just email your Professor and be honest. […]

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Lightweight Freshmen Used as Kites During Gusty Day, New Simpson Tradition Begins

SIMPSON— Wind gusts up to 120mph hit campus today which has light-weight students shaking in their boots (or shoes… we don’t discriminate). Many first-years who haven’t hit the “Freshman 15” yet skipped classes as they deemed it “too windy to walk.” A few innovative students used the “Buddy System” where they literally latched on to one […]

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