Endorsement: Simmons Promotes Traditional Simpson Values & Facial Hair

Simmons Pic

With a lack of viable candidates on either side of the aisle, one presidential candidate in particular has risen above the fray to become a unifying figure in a time of partisan polarization.

Jay Simmons, President of Simpson College, who announced his candidacy several months ago to little fanfare, is the right man for the job and it’s his time to shine.

Simmons is a native of Muscle Shoals, Alabama, where he made a name for himself as a rising star in the Pig Wrasslin’ Association which eventually earned him a full ride to Birmingham-Southern College.


Simmons’ work ethic and willingness to get down-and-dirty got him through college and led to his long, successful career as the “collegiate cowboy” of the South, which eventually led him call Simpson his home range.

Simmons’ soft, southern drawl makes him the most warm and comforting candidate to listen to, especially when he tells us we’re going to have to go back to the Middle East.

Simmons’ down-home, “aw-shucks” personality makes him just the right candidate to warm the heart of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Simmons’ meticulously groomed moustache gives an indication of his attention to detail, a practice that is certainly transferrable to the crafting of legislation.

Simmons’ penchant for bow ties and suits means that not only does he look good, but he makes America look good too.

For these reasons and many others, we, the Editorial Board of “the Acorn,” fully endorse Simmons for the presidency of the United States and encourage our fellow students to support him as well.

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Categories: News


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